Gordon Robinson | Starmergeddon!

In Apocrypha, our favourite Fantasyland, Oma D’unn’s political consultancy, Oma Unsacked, was attracting clients from all over the Fantasyworld.

The latest was Herr Storm, Prime Minister of a motley collection of diverse nations, sharing an Island, calling itself the United Kondom. In days of yore, the Kondom perversely gave birth to several colonial children. All offspring successfully claimed parental divorce leaving the Kondom looking like a little prick - more nuisance than influencer.

So Herr stormed into Oma’s office demanding help to quell a revolt by his own party colleagues seeking his resignation as PM. Oma told him to buy a watch. Herr was puzzled so Oma told him the story of three Russians condemned to The Gulag:

“On the train there, one of them asks the others: ‘What did you do?’ 

The first one answers ‘Well, I arrived late at the factory so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the Proletariat’s victory.’ 

The second one answers ‘Well, I arrived early at the factory so they accused me of seeking favouritism and promotion over my fellow workers.’ 

They turn to the one who asked the question ‘How about you, then?’ 

‘Well, I arrived at the factory right on time so they accused me of having a watch from the West.’”

Herr was stilld confused so Oma explained that every MP everywhere wants to be PM. So, if you’re PM, you’ll always be under pressure whatever you do. The thing to do is know when your time is up. 

Back in the real world United Kingdom (UK) PM, Keir Starmer, had been channeling a cat with nine lives since it was revealed that his appointee as Ambassador to USA, Peter Mandelson, appeared in the Epstein Files over 6,000 times. Worse, his ties to Jeffrey Epstein continued after Epstein was convicted (pleaded guilty) for soliciting a minor for prostitution.

Last September, after the initial release, Starmer fired Mandelson thus using one of his lives to ward off potential Brutuses. But, on January 30, millions of newly released files exposed more issues involving Mandelson’s conduct. 

Apparently Mandelson leaked sensitive government information to Epstein while serving in Gordon Brown’s cabinet during the financial crisis. In February, Starmer told the House of Commons “He lied repeatedly to my team when asked about his relationship with Epstein.” But Starmer also conceded then that, when vetting Mandelson, he already knew his potential appointee hadn’t broken with Epstein after the conviction. 

Somehow, life number two allowed him to hang on by his fingernails.

But the damage was done. In recent local and parliamentary elections, Starmer’s Labour Party suffered disastrous losses. Labour lost control of over two dozen councils and more than 1,000 council seats in England; suffered near-wipeouts in Wales; and falling numbers in Scotland.

The revolt began in earnest. At least 80 Labour MPs and four junior ministers expressly called for his resignation. Six cabinet ministers resigned. Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood reportedly urged Starmer to set a time line for orderly transition. But the cabinet is split and Starmer is digging his heels in. Senior Cabinet members, including Deputy PM David Lammy and 100 MPs, anxious to avoid a divisive leadership contest, are backing Starmer.

But challengers, led by former MP and current Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham, are swarming like red ants. Labour MP for Makerfield Josh Simons resigned to allow Burnham to contest a by-election for the seat. Obviously, this is so Burnham can challenge for party leadership. Simons’s resignation statement included “nothing short of urgent, radical, courageous reform will make a difference”.

Burnham, a member of Labour’s “soft-left” wing who identifies as a socialist, was MP for Leigh from 2001-2017 and held three cabinet posts in Gordon Brown’s government. In 2015 he was soundly thrashed by Jeremy Corbyn for Labour Leader. He was appointed Shadow Home Secretary but resigned after standing for Greater Manchester Mayor.

As Mayor, Burnham returned public transport to local control and campaigned successfully for “furlough funding” during Covid for Northern Communities. He’s now known as “King of the North” and his popularity there could prove decisive in any Labour Leadership contest. Importantly he has taken a strong stance against child sexual exploitation.

As Bob so aptly put it:

Let's get together to fight this Holy Armageddon 
so when the Man comes, there will be no, no doom. 

Starmergeddon is upon us!. Keir has been PM for sixteen months. His immediate predecessors, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss, spent 254 and 44 days in office respectively.

The thing about revolution is that you end up where you started. After Starmergeddon, Andy Burnham might have his turn. For how long? 

All the rest of the world can hope is that Andy saves us from Nigel whose demeanour and rash outbursts sound like Trump Part Deux.

Peace and Love

P.S. I’ve good news and bad news. Good news: after my latest two-year continuous run I’ll be giving you a break from these Grumpy Old Man rants. Bad news: I’ll be back as soon as my other lives stop insisting I pay them more attention. So, pretend you’re waiting for mid-east news, brace….  

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com